And so, that time of the year arrives. I turned 26 yesterday. Mum made fried rice and roast chicken and we had a pretty awesome meal.
As you get older, it gets more unremarkable - I repeat this to myself again, as I did last year (well, it's not completely true - Dave celebrates it with me, and for the first time in the same time zone, so that makes it pretty remarkable). I tell myself to not expect anything much, and while it appears to be from a place of wanting a quiet birthday, it could actually be from a place of disappointment.
So I end up thinking on my birthdays. A lot.
Tonight I dwell about broken relationships and friendships and pseudo-ships on Facebook. And about how I've arrived to this point in my life. In this year alone some discoveries were made. Discovery #1: Increase in social awkwardness. Discovery #2: The wonders of kimchi jigae.
On discovery #1, I've realised that in the past year I've been increasingly more hermit-like, preferring watching TV with a bowl of ramyeon, or keeping to myself. After being with people, I retreat back and recover. Doesn't matter if they are great company or mundane company - it's the same, I need to hide under my blanket and breath. I often tell people that before and after I preach/teach/lead worship I would need to hide myself in a dark corner, or curled up like a hedgehog for a bit.
It hasn't always been like that. I wonder if it's because of previous friendships that went awry when I wasn't looking, or being unable to trust in people because of one thing or another. It's a strange occurrence and one I don't intend on keeping for long if I want to do this thing called 'missions' (which, incidentally, involves way too much human interaction and really loving people). I think He's telling me something and I need to listen.
3 comments:
hm. i think He's telling me something through you. by chance. or not. i don't know. (since i haven't been here in the longest now..)
but i can relate :)
It's been something tugging in my mind for the past year. Sometimes I think about stuff like, how we were such close friends when we were teens, but things changed (with time + distance) and wondered if I could've done anything different to lessen the gap? Well yeah, y'know, stuff like that :)
ah. i think of stuffs like that all the time.. and it thoroughly messes me up. and sometimes i wished i wasn't the kind of person who'd cling on to memories and people so much. but i am. and so i learn to just let go or let it be unless two people do something. because it always takes two i reckon :)
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